Goodbye...

From left: Dr. Bob, Jerry, Neal and Dicky kayaking the Green River May 2004

We found out today our friend Jerry lost his battle to ALS and passed away at 10:07 this morning. His wife said that he got his wish and died peacefully with his family by his side. He suffered for long enough and now I know he his happy and at peace. Jerry wrote and e-mail Saturday to everyone and entitled it, "This may be my last e-mail"... and it was. Please send your thoughts and prayers out to his family and friends, as they are grieving terribly. These are Jerry's words...


This may be my last email....

This week, I have endured torture worse than anything you can imagine. The ALS
started producing massive quantities of thick, rubber cement consistency mucous
in my throat. Every time I tried to eat solid food, within a few minutes I
would start to choke.

Because of my weakened diaphragm, I can't cough well. Coughing anything all the
way out is virtually impossible. Moving air in or out is difficult. Combine
that with a plug of mucous that is totally blocking the throat, and you have the
recipe for suffering.

Several times during the past several days, I thought I was gonna choke to
death, but I managed to fight through the event.

That is not the way I want to go...

The Hospice team has been trying mightily to manage these symptoms. They've had
me on several types of nebulizers with medications to thin secretions, I've been
taking oral medicine also designed for the same purpose. Every attempt ended up
in failure.

The goal of Hospice is to help their patients to be comfortable and at peace,
and to die with dignity and without suffering. Yesterday, they called and made
a statement: "We've tried everything we can come up with, collaborated with
numberous physicians, and we feel like we've attempted every option for you to
remain at home. We have a Hospice inpatient facility named Solice, and we
recommend that you go there."

Meanwhile, I had a plan...Friday, I quit eating solid food. Yesterday
(Saturday), after enduring another of the endless choking and gagging events
after taking 3 sips of Ensure, I decided to quit trying to consume anything
other than tea. I quit taking several nebulizer drugs that were causing
bronchospasms which resulted in an inability to sleep at night. I continue to
take the oral medicine, which does thin the secretions, but I changed the
schedule to every 4 hours (rather than every 6) to get a more steady dose level.

The plan has resulted in my being much more comfortable. I still cough, but I
rarely choke. Because I'm consuming a pretty high amount of clear fluid, the
mucous has thinned significantly - making it easier to swallow.

Last night (Saturday), I took a very small dose of morphine, and slept better
than I had in a week - no waking up in sudden suffocation because the ALS had
snuck in and placed concrete in my airway.

Hopefully, today and tonight will be the same.

My sister Jodie, arrived here yesterday to help Brid deal with the inumerable
challenges that face us.

Tomorrow, the Hospice nurse will be here early. My intention is to go to the
Solice center. I'll have a very detailed conversation (by talking keyboard)
with their clinicians about a plan to help me get more relief from the constant
coughing and attempting to clear my airways. This may entail giving me more
morphine by a more direct route than oral (subcutaneous or IV).

The time has come for me to be comfortable. I've fought this disease with every
ounce of energy I can find. I've spent my life treating my body like God
instructs us: Like a temple. I continue to do so. From day one, I've chosen
to forego many invasive procedures that are purported to bring relief from the
relentless onslaught of ALS. My reasoning for this is that I have an intuitive
mind that tells me that for all the "miracles" of science, there has been no
relief found with this disease.

Having a tracheostomy doesn't stop the choking. Having a feeding tube placed in
your stomach doesn't stop mucous from developing in your throat. Being on a
ventilator is more like being in prison, in my mind. None of these things do
anything more than prolong the agony.

I've found a great deal of peace with my decision to die naturally and without
the immense suffering I've endured. My hope is that the Solice clinicians can
keep me comfortable. Really, it has been about 6 months since I've been that
way.

I know God is within me. I can feel His presence, and he answered a very
important prayer for me to get some relief from suffering yesterday. And I know
Heaven is getting very close. About 2 weeks ago, I had a dream: A man who I
didn't recognize told me, "look for the light". I searched for a star or some
other form of light, but I couldn't see anything. The man then said to me,
"It's just beyond the horizon.". I then understood it was Jesus talking to me.
He looked similar to art depictions of Him, but not exactly. I realized then,
that my time was not yet done on Earth.

But it's getting closer...Over the days or weeks, I'm going to gradually weaken.
My neck has been attacked so relentlessly by the ALS that I can hardly hold my
head up. I can still walk, but barely. Hopefully, I'll rest comfortably, sleep
well, and make the journey to Heaven in a very peaceful way.

I'm ready to be free of suffering, anguish, weakness, and the discomfort of
living here. I'm ready to go to a place of beauty beyond description in human
terms. I envision that place as much like Earth, only perfect. There, I'll be
able to commune with family, friends, God, and Jesus. There will be Perfect
Peace.

I'm going to miss my greatest blessing here, though - my friends. You have all
been a blessing to me.

I'm going to miss my wife who has been an angel on earth to me. I'm going to
miss my sister Jodie for her faithfullness in caring for Brid and I. I'm going
to miss Brid's family because they've all accepted me and loved me as one of
their own.
I'm going to miss my sister, Julie, for her turning to God and helping to show
me His way. I'm going to miss my dad because he's been a good one.

I'm going to miss my coworkers at the Macon County Public Health Center for
their being more like family. I'm going to miss my adopted momma, Fannie,
because over the years she has done many things to bouy my spirit and show me
the beauty of living simply.

But time will pass in "the blink of an eye" and we'll all be together again.

I love you all beyond my ability to explain,

Jerry

Ps: Many of you will want to call me or plan an immediate visit. Please
respect my wish to be with a few close family members at this time. Email isfine, though I may not be able to get to it after monday morning

Be well Jerry....